Five Tourists to Watch Out For
Five Tourists to Watch Out For
Unless you've been under a rock for the past six years, you know the World Cup is just around the corner. Durban, and South Africa in general, has been bending over backwards with a hey-look-how-awesome-and-safe-we-are publicity stampede, designed to attract tourists by the boatload.
But what do we really know about these tourists? Germans don't tip, Americans wear matching baseball caps, and the Japanese manage to get in the way of everyone else's photos. (I'm joking, there are lots of Koreans in my vacation pictures too.)
Tourists can be fun, and since everyone in SA is determined to wring every penny possible out of them, we may as well enjoy them. But there are a few types you need to look out for:
The Know-It-All
The Know-It-All went to university and majored in whatever you're talking about, with an emphasis on asshole. He'll be the one to point out that San cave paintings can't possibly be that old, since there aren't enough sedimentary lines in the rock. He'll also be the one who insists that water buffalo are perfectly harmless "as long as you know how to deal with them." Let's hope he demonstrates.
The Lost Puppy
They're cute, they're sweet, and they need you soooo much, but beware lost puppies. These are the clueless wonders wandering around the Workshop waving R10,000 cameras, or figuring they can just catch a bus back to their Umhlanga hotel at 1am. They're the ones something bad will happen to, and they'll never see it coming. Rescue them if you dare, but keep in mind that once you adopt them, they'll never leave you alone again.
The Colonialist
Like the Know-It-All, the Colonialist likes to tell you what's what. But his expertise lies solely in making value judgements, and guess what? We never quite measure up to whatever magical land he came from. The service in restaurants is faster in Hoboken, the beer is colder in Belfast, the beach is cleaner in Barcelona, and Wimbledon doesn't smell so much like curry. Also known as the tourist equivalent of the When-We.
The Bargainer
The Bargainer knows we're trying to screw him (which we are, really). He's seen internet reports on how we've jacked up flight and accommodation prices, and figures a knowing wink will get him the 'local' price. He considers haggling a sacred mission, and won't stop until he's convinced he's paid less than everyone else so he can brag about it back home. The trouble is, he's convinced that the local price is less than half of what it really is, but we're all too happy double our initial prices in order to satisfy him.
The Hedonist
This can be the most irritating one by far. The Hedonist knows nothing about the country he's in, other than that it's not the country he's from. As far as he's concerned, there are no rules in foreign lands. He wants cheap booze, cheap drugs, cheap women, and his holy grail involves some wonderful things he heard of once called 'Durban Poison' and 'Swazi Gold'. If you have any responsibility for one of these, make him pay a deposit upfront for bail money.
What Others Said
Stirling said
on 23 April 2010Hahahahaha !!! I heart your article :)
Had a similar experience with a local tourist. Local being from South Africa and tourist as in beingboutside of Dbn.
That Jobugger was a complete colonialist, complaining how expensive dbn is and the food isn't so great... I was about to reach forward and strangle. Lucky for him the counter was in the way.